October 8th was Ombuds Day I'm proud to have been sprinkled throughout the International Ombudsman Association's Ombuds Day video. Don't know what an Ombud is or what we do? Check out the video above.
“The courageous conversation is the one you don't want to have.”
- David Whyte, Poet.
In a world that seems beset by anger, division and fear, it may seem impossible to have a courageous conversation...or any conversation at all. Politics and partisanship, truth and falsehood, race, gender and equality, rights and responsibilities are just some of the landmines we've become adept at avoiding in conversation and for good reason.
A 5,000 person global study for The Dialogue Project (a coalition of corporations, academic institutions and think tanks) done by Morning Consult in July of this year, shows that across the world people are having difficulty talking about challenging issues. Outside of America, politics, race and sexual orientation come up as the most difficult topics to discuss with people who hold differing views. In the U.S., politics, race/ethnicity and gun laws are the most difficult to address.
And it’s getting more challenging. According to the study, “[b]y a nearly 2:1 margin, Americans said it is now more difficult to have respectful dialogue with those who hold differing views on COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter. That’s worse than all other countries surveyed: the UK, Germany, Brazil and India.”
It’s not just the exhaustion caused by having unproductive, often loud “conversations” with people who hold differing views that causes us to disconnect. By our nature, most of us are conflict avoidant...or we’re fighters. This fight/flight response is ingrained in our brains for self-preservation and it’s great when we’re wondering if a predator is lurking in the bushes ready to make us their next meal. What's not great, however, is when that same response triggers during a disagreement. In the heat of the moment, with emotions high and identity protection as our imperative, it leaves us with two options: win at all costs or disengage and retreat.
Neither of these are optimal in an environment where relationships matter or where finding common ground is the goal. The win-at-all-costs approach destroys relationships and our other default, retreat, well, that’s almost worse.
In that same study, one in six Americans reported being harassed online for their political opinions. As Bob Feldman, Founder of The Dialogue Project writes, “[a]s more people withdraw from the discussion, the vacuum is filled by those with extreme views, and the doom loop gains momentum, with even more citizens bowing out of the conversation. The temptation to lash out on social media, often anonymously, only adds to the problem.”
So what can we do? As conflict professionals will tell you, there is no way around conflict, the only way is through. Commit to not disengaging, and recognize that many of us - myself included - come from a place of privilege where dialogue can be a legitimate and focused concern while others are struggling with basic survival right now.
Engage for understanding rather than winning. No one genuinely changes their beliefs or ideas because they’ve been vanquished and in fact, research bears out that when people feel attacked for their views they often double down because “[o]ur desire to hold identity-consistent beliefs often far outweigh our goals to hold accurate beliefs.”
Recognize that what we need to focus on is connecting with others and connection depends on listening, empathy and respect. I know this seems like a Herculean task especially in this moment when many are feeling frustrated, betrayed and disillusioned. Basic human dignity is a foundation and I don't advocate for anyone to attempt this with those who would deny them their dignity, or who spew hateful rhetoric (note however, empathy, can be effective even online and in the most extreme cases, but deploying that is a next-level skill).
But we have to start reengaging and by going into challenging conversations with the mindset of connecting rather than winning, of simply understanding rather than necessarily agreeing, we give ourselves a better chance to disagree without altogether destroying those we’re engaged with and ourselves.
Now, perhaps more than ever, even though the courageous conversation is the one you don’t want to have, it’s the most important one to have.
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