Over the past few years I’ve made a concerted effort to remove some words from my vernacular. I did it in response to a reminder about a very successful law firm’s slogan years ago that read “Sometimes outnumbered, never outgunned.” At the time, as a practicing attorney, it seemed kitschy and the background of cowboys riding full speed on horses across the plains struck me as a little out of place for a law firm with expensive Boston offices that handled, among other things, family law cases. Cowboys are who we are as Americans - think John Wayne and the Marlboro Man - and even those of us that go to law school have ingrained in us this “last stand” mentality that is a large part of our culture. It wasn’t until I reflected on it that I realized just how ingrained that idea really was, even in me - a non-cowboy if there ever was one.
The words we choose and the expressions we use day to day convey who we are, who we see ourselves to be and how we want others to see us. By using them we reinforce their message and meaning even if it's clear that that meaning isn't literal.
I don't care how many ways there are to "skin a cat" but I do care how many ways we can come up with to solve a problem or tackle a task. I may truly be invested in an outcome but I won't tell you that I have a "dog in the fight" or that I'll win because "it's about the fight in the dog, not the dog in the fight." (You can ask my friend Eugene about these last two, I've harped on him so much about using them he's taken to asking me to remind him what not to say when we see each other).
I recognize that it's really hard to remove these expressions. Once I became mindful about it I had to stop myself from saying something "blew me away" or that there could be a "magic bullet" to fix a problem. "Straight shooter" a "smoking gun" "bite the bullet" "missed the mark" "shots fired" "pull the trigger" "stick to your guns" and "dodge a bullet" all found their way into my conversations surprisingly more often than I had realized. Even expressions that didn't necessarily originate with cowboy culture started to catch my attention like "jump the gun" and "headshot." I have to stop myself daily from saying “it’s worth a shot" or to tell someone to "take a shot" or “just give it a shot.”
Now on this last one my son and I disagree. He, a life long soccer player and naturally programmed to argue his point because he's the genetic byproduct of two lawyers, contends that “give it a shot” is a sports reference and nothing more. He says it pertains to trying to reach a goal and that - and only that - is what his generation thinks about it.
He may have a point (please don't tell him I said that): language evolves over time and meaning can as well. That having been said, is it any less encouraging to tell someone to “give it a try" rather than "give it a shot?" Maybe. But I still think it's worthwhile to try to convey our messages without perpetuating cowboy culture.
Especially now. What was the collective outcry across the country (and parts of the world that are rooting for us) a few days ago was about the fact that this part of our culture isn’t who we want to be anymore. It’s why this change has been so hard even after so much has happened. In addition to the lobbyists, the money and the politics standing in the way,
it’s about who we are...we have always been cowboys.
And the majority of us clearly don’t want to be cowboys anymore.
Cultural change is slow and starts out small - with words and ideas and exchanges - but its effects are sweeping and strong. I think we are at a tipping point now where we can redefine who we want to be, together. And even if we don't succeed right in this moment in make a sweeping change in our culture, I think it’s at least worth...the effort.
Honorable Daniel Crane in his classroom at B.C. Law - Judge Crane teaches Negotiation and asked me to guest lecture on bias and anchoring (good thing we're almost the same height, right?).
Citizen's Cafe at Emerson College -
Led by Peace-Maker and Mediator Ashok Panikkar, this facilitated discussion invited students to consider the foundations of democracy and what's needed to maintain it. My mediation students and others learned how to use their skills to help better engage in political dialogue that has become polarized and toxic to the extent it threatens democracy.
MIT REFS Training - A diverse, skilled group of wicked smart MIT graduate students spent two days with Gail Packer and me learning how to manage challenging conversations better and help undergrads at MIT do the same.
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